Weaning

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Ending breastfeeding is painful: emotionally and physically.  Last night, I nursed Maddie before bedtime for the last time. I was debating on whether to cut out the morning or the nighttime feeding first, and finally rested on the night for a couple of reasons:

Oh, how I love these moments.

1.     I think it will ease my transition. I really enjoy rocking Maddie and nursing her when she is sleepy, so you would think that this is the last one I would want to cut out.  I guess that I am guarding my heart.  I know that if I am down to just one feeding a day and that one is the night, I will want to prolong it and keep nursing Maddie forever, dreading the last feeding.  This has been such an emotional process and if I end with a nighttime feeding, it will only be more emotional for me. So, I choose to have the morning one be the last.  I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it does to me, so I’m doing it.

2.     She is less cooperative at night. I think that she sometimes isn’t necessarily hungry before bed but nurses for comfort or habit, so she often is very uncooperative and distracted when I try to nurse her before bedtime.  So, if I keep the morning nursing, I am basically guaranteed that she will eat and I’ll be able to enjoy having a nice, long, wonderful bonding moment with her.  At night, she is so fidgeting and distracted and the feeding is usually very quick. I mean, it is pretty funny.  Phil got to witness Maddie’s funny nighttime pose the other day.  She stands up on my lap and twists her body so she is almost upside-down while trying to nurse.  Haha.  Oh, Madelynn.

What more can you ask for? 

3.     I think the final transition from nursing only once to not nursing at all will be easier for Maddie if we end it with the morning one. Maddie is accustomed to having a sippy cup with her lunch and dinner meals, so I am hoping that she will transition quickly and easily from nursing and then eating breakfast to having milk with breakfast. 

Yes, I realize that I am probably over-thinking all of this, but when you have been lovingly snuggling and enjoying gazing at your daughter while nursing for over a year, it is hard not to think about it.  Plus, while I thought weaning would be a lot more painful than it’s been, it is uncomfortable. The pain throughout the day reminds me that soon, in about a week, I won’t be sharing that special time with Mads anymore.  I have about 7 sessions to look forward to. Seven. That’s not a lot.

I haven’t cried, yet, although I am tearing up while I write this. I am trying to be strong. I am trying to tell myself that Maddie is a big girl now. She loves the sippy cup and she is ready for cows milk, so it is a good time to move on. But, I wonder if she’ll miss me. I know I am going to miss those special moments with her, but I am really enjoying sitting in the rocking chair and giving her milk in a sippy cup, too.  I am enjoying reading to her while she drinks all by herself and eats her snack during the day. I am, most of all, loving watching her become more independent, although it pinches at my heart a little, too. 

Such a big girl!

But, this is what I am here for: to prepare her to be her own little person. I just hope and pray that I am able to lead her far enough in her journey so that when I finally let go, she finds herself running straight to the arms of the Father, seeking after Him with all of her heart and dependent on no earthly person, but only His Majesty. Weaning Maddie may not seem related to her spiritual journey, but the feeling of letting her go as she grows into a big girl reminds me that God has entrusted me with my child and I am dedicated to raising her not only physically, but, more importantly, spiritually.

In the meantime, one more week. One more week.

Now my tears flow.