The Saddest Baby in the World

Friday, September 13, 2013

This week has not been fun. I entered this time, knowing that I was going to be an emotional wreck because of having stopped breastfeeding, but on top of it, Maddie has been a beast.  Remember back to her colicky days? Well, I do. I thought we were through the never-ending crying and done with the unceasing fussiness, but apparently not. 

Maddie has wanted nothing other than to be held this week. She doesn’t want to play. She doesn’t want to be in the stroller, she doesn’t want to eat, or walk or crawl. She wanted to be held while whining.  So, that’s just about all we did this week. 

I feel like a horrible mother because all I wanted to do was to scream at her to shut up, but I know that would only serve to make her cry more. You think you are stronger than all this stuff. That if your child is crying, your one and only response and sole instinct is to comfort and sing and rock, but the truth is that after a day or two or three of hearing nothing but cries, you go crazy. Or at least I do. There you have it: I’m human.

I did not respond well to this week and I know it.  I have started every day in prayer, not that Maddie wouldn’t be fussy, although I did ask for her comfort and happiness to return, but I prayed for patience, perseverance and for my joy and contentment to return.  Every day I made it until around 1PM and then my attitude went downhill fast. I know God is using this circumstance to my good. He is perfecting me and making me more and more like Jesus, but this week has been a startling revelation of just how far I am from perfection. 

This picture breaks my heart into a million pieces.

So, we’ll see how today goes and if I’ll have any reprieve before the weekend and if Maddie has any comfort.  I think she might be teething.  Phil mentioned that he thought he might have seen an enormous, white mass underneath the surface of her gums. A molar, maybe? She had her first fever this week, too, and runnier than normal poo poos, which is consistent with teething. Poor little girl. 

Lord, give me compassion, peace, joy, perseverance, understanding and patience.  Here we go!